The stepping back onto solid ground.
I feel like I have come out of a lake.
Obviously, this is just a metaphor I am using to try and get some understanding of what took place in my psyche the last 6 weeks. A couple of days ago as I knelt to light the fire, this thought went through my mind. My life has changed, "I got sick" was the responding thought as if to explain why my life has changed.
Still I didn’t know why or how my life has changed; it was simply a premonition. I am willing to briefly acknowledge these thoughts may just simply be a trauma response. But I don’t think so. The brain had certainly not yet healed, but there is also an awareness that still seems to be active.
You realise suddenly everything you have done and been extremely passionate about... the flames now flicker. You didn’t know how to drive that passion; you suddenly realise you were sort of on the outside of it, due to the not knowing, that seems to be the outer holding of an inspired moment.
We are given an inspiration and we follow it, but it feels like this little spark that has alighted in our brain bringing a different vibration to most of our thoughts that doesn’t align with what we have received on a higher vibration. So, it’s a little bit like the metaphor of stepping out of the lake.
I simply don’t know what happened as I was in that lake experience.
What has put me back onto solid ground is the breath now fully back into my body. I am grounded. My lungs are happier. I have gone back to normal ways of being. I awoke early this morning, as too my sleeping has gone back to normal patterns. When I was sick for weeks sleep would just drop in so effortlessly, it wasn’t a normal sleep. I know that with part of my conscious mind that I seemed to be in spaces that felt sort of felt empty and not good.
But again, with the lake metaphor it was like there was something higher that was driving me through those empty spaces that came in waves and would pull me into consciousness when I awoke in the morning even if I was not fully grounded. I remembered yesterday when somebody had posted on Facebook around death, it was as if I had come closer to the understanding of it. Then as the mind becomes stronger you lose connection to that feeling and the innate wisdom that presents itself.
I still sit and ponder, I don’t have full understanding. What I believe pulled me through was the discovery of a new tube channel that knew the power of colour, that knew how to mirror patterns so the brain could start taking a hold of the pathways that needed to be strengthened. I remember the first day that I felt to play some patterns on my harp. It was a surreal feeling. The brain needed those patterns.
Patterns that we normally play and take for granted.
Patterns are really no differet to making a cup of tea, we also take that for granted until the brain is not able to do that.
In those weeks, it was as if the music and visual I needed would just pop onto the screen for me. When I got home after about a month, recognising the many levels of trauma that needed to move out, I wrote. I also recognised I felt like I had experienced some kind of stroke.
The brain simply still could not do much, it was functioning, but you felt the pathways were damaged. A tiredness that was not natural. To mirror that feeling happened when you spoke to a gentleman who has recently had a stroke, you understood when he couldn’t talk any more to me. You could hear and recognise he needed to rest the brain.
Thankfully as I have eaten, rested and with full acceptance of the need to heal, the continuation of hours of colour and music. The music which I didn’t realise at the time was tuned to the solfeggio frequencies. This music has frequencies that are aligned with the earth and all that we are spiritually and mentally. It was effortless. I have felt the old joy, the beautiful sense of peace that would drop in. And may be the old enthusiasm that I have carried within me.
Now a much stronger ability to cope.
I guess as I have journeyed onto solid ground, I recognise within me the tendency within me to depress. It feels like I must fit back into old ways of being. Yet through all of those weeks I didn’t once give into those thoughts. When one goes through these experiences one is left with even a stronger resolve to want to give out and share your skills and knowledge.
As you drive around your community touching base with people who have known you for years, the acknowledgment that, yes, people are struggling big time due to the effects of Covid, but still we seem to sit in a static place. People still don’t seem to want to or perhaps know how to listen. We are still driven by so many constrictive structures of thought. We are also still controlled by the Systems rules.
I guess for me there was the gift in Covid it’s not fully unwrapped as you can see. Since arriving home I have talked to people who have experienced Covid. They all say the same thing that points to a neurological effect that is still hanging in there for them. My doctor didn’t ask me how I coped but he told me he had aching gums.
Until I feel inspired to write again.... #mandyharp
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